Oh, you are not bothering me at all! Look, I’ve been in your position (like I said before) and I’m still trying to get out of it but still… If I knew what I could do with my future back then, then
damn I would have straightened out sooner. People mess up a lot of things. And I know you may feel like you mess up everything.. but do you really? There are things that you have accomplished and things you have created (even if it’s just in your mind and not drawn/written on paper or spoken to anyone). When you think you mess up everything, that adds on to what is ever on your shoulders. Some people don’t think it’s real, having “weights on your shoulders” don’t really exist. But they do, and it fucking messes with your head. But do you know how you can lighten them up a little at a time? Talking, writing, releasing your emotions some how. But a big key is to forgive. Not only yourself but to people that have done you wrong. Yes, I heard that you said you never forgive yourself, but I know you can. I wish I could know you personally to help more on this subject. But the best advice I can give you on forgiving yourself is that you must admit to your mistakes, admit there was a problem, and admit the truth. Once you know your mistakes, you can learn from them. Once you realize what your problem(s) are/were then you can learn how to fix them and turn them into a learning experience. Once you admit the truth, that it may have been your fault and that it also has been someone else’s fault, you can accept it and move on.
After this you proclaimed that you cause drama. Let me tell you this, drama is going to be there for the rest of your life. Everyone is going to have drama, everyone is going to have to push through it just like you. With this knowledge you should realize that everyone has a roll is causing drama, not just you. And take this information and apply it to “screwing something up.” Everybody does this. But when you screw up there is a cycle (in my mind at least). “
Fuck I messed up” - “That was so embarrassing” - “I wish no one saw that…” - “How can I make this go away” - “Well, my life is over” - “I’m such a screw up” - “I shouldn’t even be bothered by this but I am” - (this is where you should start moving on) - “Well… I can’t do anything about it now, that was in the past” - “People still make fun of me for it though..” - “You know what, screw them, I bet they mess up too.” May it’s time for you to move on from past mistakes…
EVERYONE DESERVES TO LIVE!! THAT INCLUDES YOU!!
I don’t know what you are planning… I don’t know if you’re even reading this.. but I do know that I want to help you.
You might not care for this part, but if it helps you realize you are not alone in these situations, then I think I should do it. I’m going to give you what happened in my life (but not specifics) and how I moved on from it. But just saying, this is going to be long and very unorganized and just.. yeah. Again, you don’t have to read this
Four years ago, it all started with a guy that hurt me… after that my life spiraled downward. And for the past four years, I’ve been carrying everything on my shoulders. My lies, my mess ups, my fucked up way of trying to call attention to myself.. just everything. With these weights on my shoulders, I didn’t go anywhere except for the hospital for behavior/mental problems. I was consistently in and out of the hospital. When I was out, I didn’t do anything but lay in my bed and refuse to leave for school. When I was in it (the hospital) I was just so weird. A weird I can’t explain. I never blamed myself for these problems, I always blamed the one that was closest to me. My mother. I’d yell at her, say extremely mean/unnecessary things to her that I never meant to say, and I wanted to ruin her love life because I absolutely hate/hated her boyfriend. Then the depression, oh god the fucking depression almost killed me! I did so many wrong things, made so many mistakes, said so many lies that I just didn’t know how to handle it anymore. It started with the cutting, then suicidal thoughts, which included how I’d daydream ways about how I wanted to die, and messed up ways I’d want to kill people, and so on. Remember how I said I didn’t blame anyone but my mother? Well on the inside I was emotionally hurting myself and blamed myself for everything. But now that I think about it, I was to blame.. oops. But these four years, and counting, I am battling with depression and the thoughts of hurting myself and others. Ha, such a perfect daughter right? I was/am such an angry and messed up person I thought I would never get out of it. (this is where things get better) But then I found that one thing that helped me. Remember I said, “There may seem like there is no hope but there is. Hope can come in a form of a human being down to a simple book, animal, or journal.” Well my hope came in the form of a human.. my current boyfriend actually. He showed me that I didn’t have to be that way. That I didn’t have to do the things I was doing because I am me and only I can control myself. I can control my body and my thoughts. He told me I needed more help. He told me that I shouldn’t be so mean to my mother because she was only trying to help me. He showed me that my future can be so much brighter than I thought it could be at that time. I thank him everyday for being in my life because if he wasn’t here then god knows where I’d be or what I’d be doing or .. dang, I could be dead right now if he wasn’t here.
Back to you (sorry for the unorganized rant). My point is that you can learn from everything, you can make things better for yourself. Only you can control how you can be. You can think more positive, or you can think more negatively. You can hurt yourself, or you can seek help (like you are now, kind of) and learn to control the impulses (I know about impulses as well sadly). Do you see where I’m going with this?
I can say so many things to try and help you, I can tell you the perfect advice in history.. but only you make the choice on whether to follow it or not. I want you to reconsider everything I told you in both messages and try again. Try, try, try, try, try, TRY and keep trying! The more you try the more you learn from the last try and the more you can better yourself.
Please keep in touch with me. I am really sorry that this was not very good advice… but I’m trying. I really want to help you. Do not give up. Please, do not just give up.